


Coffee

by krisrussel



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-14
Updated: 2013-02-14
Packaged: 2017-11-29 06:36:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/683943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krisrussel/pseuds/krisrussel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John carries coffee to Elizabeth's office.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> I heard the first sentence on tv and a bunny jumped me. This sprang forth.   
> I also want to holler a huge thank you to my beta SK!!

It's funny how much a cup of coffee can come to mean.  
John Sheppard only realizes this once he finds himself in Elizabeth's office with two cups of the dark warm liquid and he's staring at Samantha Carter.  
"Colonel?" She asks. There is no humor in her voice. She remembers doing the same thing when Jack went missing. It's the little things, the small habits that fade last. They are the ones that linger for a long time. Some never fade at all.  
John clears his throat, and glances from the cups to Sam's face and back.  
"Thank you for the coffee, Colonel." She likes her coffee during the day less strong, but for now that doesn't matter.  
He nods and puts one cup on her desk, giving her a grateful look.  
"No problem." He says and walks out of the office towards the balcony.

One hour later he's still standing on the balcony, simply staring out in front of him. The cup he's holding is still filled, but the coffee has long gone cold. Drinking it out here without her besides him feels wrong.  
When the balcony doors slide open, he doesn't move a muscle and the woman that stands next to him doubts he even heard her.  
For a while it just stays quiet and he still hasn't acknowledged her.  
"Do not forget our Banto practice in one hour." Teyla simply says.  
He gives her one nod and she walks back inside, wishing there was more she could do to heal the gaping hole in his heart.

Ever since their return from Asuras, he has become more aggressive during practice. It's like he automatically uses this chance to beat his teammates up to forget about his pain. Even if it's just for a moment. Even if it's just for half a second.  
It's both Teyla and Ronon who stand opposite him and the fact that they have trouble keeping up with his moves is more than telling for the two warriors.  
This has been going on for weeks and both know he's torturing himself by going towards the edge every time.  
Both know that one day he will go too far and cross that edge.

Heightmeyer has been trying to talk to him ever since his team returned from Asuras without their leader, but she loses hope that John will ever say anything meaningful to her.  
So instead she talks to his teammates, trying to make them realize their friend is in trouble.  
It doesn't take her long to realize that they already know this and that they feel as hopeless about it as she does.

One week later John faces Carter again with two cups of coffee in her office. And she can read the pain in his eyes before he deftly hides it.  
"Thank you for the coffee, John."  
"No problem."  
Before he can walk out, she calls his name and invites him to sit down.  
The reluctance is clear in his features, but he does as she asks.  
"Talk to me, John."  
Before meeting Elizabeth he would have told her to mind her own business. But Elizabeth turned him into a better man, into a better soldier. Elizabeth taught him to respect his superiors.  
He swallows and it looks painfully forced to Sam.  
"There's nothing to say," he finally says, his tone flat.  
"She gave you a direct order, John. You should stop blaming yourself."  
The look on his face turns into a glare instantly. "She was my friend," he hisses. "We were off world. I was calling the shots. I should have been able to save her."  
"You were surrounded by the enemy."  
He stands up so fast that the chair flies back and falls over with a loud bang. Sam flinches, he doesn't.  
"Then I should have died with her! I should have tried something!" he screams and storms out without looking back.

Teyla finds him in the gym an hour later. The white bag he is punching has red streaks on it and Teyla pulls him away as fast as she can.  
His knuckles are bleeding and he's clearly been crying.  
"We should get you to the infirmary," she says as she gently takes his hands in hers to inspect the wounds.  
"I'm fine," he growls and roughly pulls his hands away.  
"You are NOT fine!!" Her worry about him is clear in her voice.  
"Leave me alone," he hisses.  
Years of training has taught her speed and technique and before he can move another inch, he's on the floor, securely held down by her.  
"You.Are.Not.Fine," she says slowly, trying to get through to him. "And I will not let you go before you realize that."  
"I'm..." he falls silent and swallows.  
"Not fine." Teyla finishes for him, giving him a look and getting off of him.  
She helps him up and lingers close to him, ready to strike if he wants to flee again. She's not close enough to invade his personal space though. She knows John loves his personal space. The only person he didn't mind that invaded his personal space was Elizabeth.  
"Talk to me, John."  
"A lot of people have said that to me lately."  
"It is because we are worried about you."  
He sighs and wipes a hand over his face.  
"I'll be fine."  
"I do not doubt that," she says honestly. "But allow us to help you. Allow yourself to talk to us."  
"There's nothing to talk about."  
"John, I know how difficult it is to lose someone you love. It is even worse when you blame yourself. My brother was killed in front of my eyes and I blamed myself for a very long time. Thinking 'if only I had been faster to shoot that Wraith' and 'if only I had been closer to him and pushed him out of the way'. Blaming yourself does not bring the person you love back, John."  
"Teyla..."  
She raises her hand to silence him. "Think about what Elizabeth would want you to do. She would not approve of your destructive behavior."  
John sighs again and slightly hangs his head, staring at Teyla's toes.  
"I know she wouldn't approve."  
"Then hold her memory high by being the best man you can be. For her."  
He swallows and she can see he's fighting his tears.  
"For her."

It's all he needs. A reason to keep on going, a reason to be the best he can be.  
Keeping Elizabeth's memory high is all the incentive he needs to be the best military commander a city as Atlantis can hope to get. To be the best soldier he can be and with her voice in his mind, he shoots a little less and talks a little more.  
It's all for her.  
Because one day he will see her again.  
He knows he will and on that day he wants to face her with a clear conscience.  
It's still a habit to take coffee to Elizabeth's office. Every time he does it and looks at Sam's understanding face, it hurts a little less.  
But drinking coffee will never be the same again and he never drinks coffee on the balcony anymore.

The End


End file.
